Tag Archives: denial

it’s easy to do bad when you think nobody is watching

18 Apr

Over the last week or so I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do to officially start this journey.  Sure, I started a blog, tried a few new veggies, researched a workout video to order, and even talked the boyfriend in designing a workout for me.  But now what?

This is a big project and I have a long road ahead of me, so I decided to swallow my pride (as much as possible) and to get some help because I know I can’t do this all alone.

So what will I do?  Well for starters, I will get some professional help.  I am going to partner with a dietitian to help get me on track and adjust my current eating habits.  Of course, I don’t think that I got this way from not knowing that eating pizza for lunch, a greasy burger for dinner and ice cream for dessert was bad for me.  Of course, I knew those were poor choices, but I did it anyway either because it was easier and faster than trying to find time in my hectic schedule to come up with a healthier alternative or simply because I crave junk food.  After years of taking the easy road, I’ve formed some very bad habits.  I hope by partnering with my dietitian I will begin to find ways to break those bad habits and pick up some healthier ones.

Step 1 is to write a food journal over the next 7 days.  Today, is the first day and I have to admit…I eat A LOT of stuff that is horrible!  The one thing I find most interesting about this process is that even though I have no problem zipping through a drive- thru and upsizing a combo meal any other time, I am now fighting the temptation to modify my usual high fat diet in order to hide this nasty little habit.  I realize that I have to be honest with myself and this log if I really want some constructive feedback and a fair chance of getting the help that I really need.  I also realize that reporting that I only eat salad with low-fat dressing each meal is not going to fool anyone.  Clearly, I didn’t get this way because of salad!

The crazy thing is, once I start writing down all of the bad things I consume, I am forced to own up to the fact that I am slowly killing myself one burger at a time.  Throughout the day today, I immediately thought of healthy alternatives..something that I NEVER do.  I always eat first, and think later (usually as I am sitting around full as a tick).  But the thought that I had to send this journal of self-destruction to a third-party to be analyzed, I suddenly wanted to switch gears.  How crazy is this?  I’ve been hiding behind things for so many years and now that I have someone who can actually help…my first instinct is to hide the truth from her.  Goodness!

Today, I ate like crap, but no different from any other day of my life.  The only strange thing is that today it was harder because I had to own those decisions.  And as I look over my journal for the day, I think of the many things that are wrong with it and wonder why if it is so blatantly obvious, I didn’t pay attention sooner.

If you’ve never kept a journal of what you eat…or haven’t in a while…try it.  Write as though you are going to send it off to be “judged”.  Let me know how it goes for you…  Like me, do you suddenly feel this overwhelming feeling to lie or to suddenly eat better than you have in years..just because you know someone else could see it?


everything happens for a reason

5 Apr

A few months ago, I was laid off.  This is something that many people have experienced before and possibly going through right now, given the state of the economy.  For me it was a rude awakening and realization that the path I’ve taken to set myself up for a ‘good life’ was destructive in many ways.

Since graduation, I had this idea in my mind that if I worked hard and focused on climbing the corporate ladder, that I’d have time for a real life later.  While I don’t think the concept of working hard is bad, I believe that my extreme approach was definitely not healthy.  I became one of those people who frequently pulled all-nighters, worked through lunch, worked on weekends, skipped happy hours, declined social invitations, lost touch with friends, missed doctor appointments and worked through sickness that should have landed me in bed.  I became a working machine, with my fuel being positive feedback, better titles, larger offices, and more money.

Clearly things were looking great! (Yea right…so I thought…)

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  It wasn’t until I got laid off did I even have time to take a step back and look at my life.  With the extra time on my hands I finally got the chance to look at where I’ve been and the direction I am headed.  It didn’t take long to see that I had started defining my life by my career and the projects I worked on.  It also was very easy to see that if I didn’t make a change to this warped mentality, the life that I was trying so hard to make better, was probably not going to be as long as I had hoped.

This extreme focus on work may have been my way of running away from bigger and far more important tasks, like eating healthy, going to the doctor regularly and being physically active.  Now with time on my hands and no huge project to distract me, I am faced with the realization that I managed to morph into someone I hardly recognize…and only because I didn’t take the time to look (sadly, a decision I made to avoid seeing what I was doing to myself).  It was much easier focusing my time and efforts on solving other people’s problems.  I hid behind work and had neglected my own… clearly creating some additional issues along the way.

I am not saying that during the last 10 years of being a relentless workaholic did I not notice my expanding waistline or the fact that it was getting harder and harder to do some simple tasks.  Of course I noticed.  But what I did about it was not only ineffective, but was not geared toward fixing the problem, just addressing the symptoms.  I bought bigger clothes and I found easier ways to get things done when activities became difficult to do.  Walking to the store took too much out of me..I took the bus; walking up a flight of stairs made me winded…I would sneak on the elevator to go up one floor; walking around the mall to shop was inconvenient, I’d shop online.  These were simple changes with very large consequences.

Every once in a while I tried to properly address the problem of my weight and health.  I’d go to the gym, walk around the park, buy fresh fruits and vegetables instead of an easier to make frozen dinner, buy some expensive exercise equipment, set the alarm clock earlier to work out, opt for a salad instead of pizza, start a weight loss plan, etc.  And sure…some of these things worked, for a little while, but then I lost interest and then lost the time to do it….deciding that I’d rather spend that time finishing up another project.

It’s not that it wasn’t important.  I think now that maybe it was just too overwhelming and hard to stay focused and motivated enough to stick with it.

So now here I am…sitting in front of my computer, terrified that I put this off way too long.  I’ve decided to start this blog knowing that my track record indicates that I may fail and realizing that if I do fail this time, it could be for the last… and be in front of an audience.

But, as scary as this is for me…I am going to give it a shot and hopefully along the way I will run into some inspirational people who will support me in my journey.  Who knows, I may just find my way to my healthier self and one day inspire someone else to make a change!